I really wish he did. Just a smidge.
Let me explain. I currently go to counseling every Tuesday. I sought out counseling again recently this year after my 2nd discovery of the year and realizing finally - once more- I needed help - for me in coping. I have been going for just a few weeks now and it's already been a HUGE blessing for me. It irks me through that when he come home on those nights he asks about counseling. It's not the that I wish he didn't ask - but his attitude about it seems to be that I am doing this for "my issues", "my problems" and like it doesn't affect him or have anything to do with him. Are you crazy??? He's never said that, but just his body language seems to say it. And after nearly 11 years of marriage - I don't know about you, but after that length of tie you can almost watch the wheels crank out a thought process at times. Make any sense?
And the same thing with "group" - the family & friends support group through the church. The same thing sorta happened with my mother-in-law the day after I went to group again for the first time this year. She wanted to know how it went. I briefly explained kinda how group works & that it was kinda hard going back, but good. I just got the impression again that this had nothing to do with her son and everything to do with "my issues" or whatever.
Now while even while their supposed (because I don't know for sure) train of thought is true - these are my issues. They are not my issues alone. And these specific issues stem from my husband's addiction.
Can we just own this problem for once? I own the fact that I am married to man who is addicted to pornography addiction. Why can't he or his mother own that?
I'm so sorry. Last night was my birthday, and I had a great day, 'til 10 o'clock at night, when I suddenly turned to my husband and asked, "I don't understand -- did you think I didn't deserve any better? You're my husband, and yet you looked at thousands of other women -- did you even stop and think that I deserved more than that? What did you think about me that made you think that was OK? Did you ever stop to think about me?" I know it's faulty logic, and we talked about it and I felt better afterwards, but even with him doing well right now, it's a reminder of my own recovery work. I know what this feels like, to feel like you come in second place to porn, that he doesn't care about how what he does makes you feel. I know it doesn't really help how you're feeling, but try and remind yourself, it's not you -- it's not that he doesn't care about you, or doesn't love you -- it's that the lie, the addiction, is speaking loudest. The addiction HAS to believe that it's not hurting anyone else, that it's not a big deal, that it's not destroying all he holds dear, including his wife and family. And, unfortunately, there's not much we can do to make them 'get it', to see it for what it's really worth, they have to kinda get their on their own. But I think this is where recovery work comes in (our own recovery) -- so we don't 'cushion the blow' of their actions, so there are natural consequences and boundaries, so they have something to hit up against and realize they don't live in a vacuum and we're not just going to sit back and wait for them to make our lives better. As you heal, he will by necessity, feel a further gap from where he wants to be and where he actually is -- and hopefully, this'll be a wake up call to him and he can begin the process of figuring out all the lies and minimializing that's gone on -- and only then do addicts really 'get' the damage done. It's not that he doesn't love you, or that he doesn't care, or that he loves the porn more -- it's just that he's listening to the lie more than the truth right now.
ReplyDeleteHX - Thank you a million times over. I know all this stuff - I just forget to access that that knowledge when I need it. Our story is so different from others I have heard and everyone comes from a different experience with this addiction, but the basic truths are the same.
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