*Note - this is as personal as I have gotten and the last two paragraphs are a little more than I would usually say, but needed to - so just a warning.
We haven't had sex in a month now. I think we are working on a new
record. It's not that we're trying (or that I imposed this).
Pre-kid sex was so much easier to squeeze into the schedule. Post-kid
really hurt our sex life, but we managed. It could have been better, but
it certainly could have been worse.
The most recent discovery I made about a week before my 31st birthday killed
that. I never came out and said anything to the effect of I refuse to
have sex with you, but if he tried to initiate (which he hasn't - I think he
knows better) anything I would refuse. Not out of anger (at least not
anymore), but I am so scared. There is no such thing for me as trust in
this relationship and I am honestly repulsed by him. I don't want to feel
that way. His touches, which have been few since then, make me want to
run away screaming. His jokes about anything on TV we see that is
remotely sexual in nature make me want to hurl and beat him up at the same
time. Doesn't he see that this is an issue? And to top it all off,
like anything of any importance - he pretty much doesn't want to talk about
it. A conversation between us about anything important usually consists
of me doing most of the talking since he refuses pretty much to respond in any
form or fashion except sulk, the occasional yelling, and occasional
lunging towards me in anger. I just want a healthy sexual relationship
with my husband. Is it too much to ask? Can't he see that his
addiction, trust, and sex are all deeply intertwined?
I know it's time for me to talk to him again - about a few discoveries that
he still doesn't know that I know about - and about the sex issue. I will
probably end up doing most of the talking, but at least it will all be out in the
open.
I know I brought a lot of baggage to the scene of this union because I
hadn't saved myself for the man I would someday marry and I will always regret
that. I brought the baggage that comes with having one night stands with
guys whose names I have no recollection of, boyfriends who I used purely for
sex while looking for love & acceptance, and guys who wanted to
"teach" me about sex.
Now I am trying to finally deal with the twisted ideas I have of sex and
also my husband's and I just want to do this together. Maybe this could
be a chance to work on restoring that trust if we can open up to each
other? I can only hope.
No comments:
Post a Comment