Tuesday, May 8, 2012
My double life
I won't get into the whys, but I recently told my RS president about my double life as the wife of an addict. We had several conversations about this in the days that followed. I don't remember her exact words, but later one night after I called her in tears she said something that struck me - basically her words were- I would have never guessed (duh - you learn that after awhile), and I hope this doesn't change you. You are always so happy & positive.
I understand part of her reason for saying those things, and yet it struck me as funny, it hurt, and it poured on the pressure. It makes me feel like I had to keep up this facade. I have to keep smiling when I am dying inside. I have to always say I was "fine" or whatever - when someone asks how I am doing. I have to keep positive always on the forefront when hope is the last thing I felt inside.
This has changed me though and will continue to change me. Some days I may not smile. Some days I have wanted to crawl in a hole and disappear. Some days I will be a fighter and fight this fight. Some days I will want the whole world to know in hopes that somehow my pain and my side of the story will somehow help someone else. I know what she meant by it and yet there is another whole kind of meaning that sneaks out too in my mind.
This is just one of those things people say - not realizing just what they are saying. So I try to nod my head and smile and understand they just don't get it. I don't want them to have to get it - I just want them to hold my hand and help make this journey a tad easier. Or at least not judge me.
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I used to be so social and out in my Ward and neighborhood, and I feel like I've become reclusive almost now. For me, it's at least part having these last two babies closer together than we'd planned, and having sick kids, but I really see how much I've pulled away from 'society', and I think a huge part of hating that feeling that I was living a lie.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty good at shrugging off stuff people say when they don't know better, but there's varying degrees of success :-) My RS Pres, who is a good friend and I was serving in the Presidency with her at the time, knows about my situation too, and her initial response was, "No way! I'd leave my husband!" It was so highly inappropriate that I actually laughed out loud and told her maybe I was practice for her to talk to so she doesn't say that with the next person! Also, when I went to my first 12 step meeting, one of the missionaries there was a sister from my Ward, and she came up and hugged me afterwards and was all, "I never would've guessed, you seem so happy together!" Um, I don't know how to respond to that :-)