I recently started going back to my church's 12 Step recovery program and starting to work the 12 Steps. The first few steps really to any 12 step program always looked so easy to me. A few years ago I had tried working a 12 Step program and my pride got in the way. After all, why did I need to "work" a program when he was the one with the problem. Dear me and my foolish pride. I thought this time would be different for some reason. This time I went because I felt ready and I knew what I was getting myself into, right? LOL ! So much for humility. I am telling you - one thing about this kind of experience - like any in life - but especially these really difficult ones that you'd just rather not have at times - is the opportunity for growth. Notice the word there - opportunity. You have to choose to embrace the opportunity - it doesn't embrace you. Anyhow, that's a post for another day.
I was really thinking I was getting the hang of Step 1 - I knew I was powerless over HIS addiction. I have and will continue to have no power over his choices of what to view, when to view, where, what, if he chooses to view, if he seeks help, and the list could just keep going on. So then what was eating me alive each day? Why did I let myself wonder about his choices if it really didn't matter because I had no control over those choices? Why was I pushing the idea of him thinking about going to a 12 Step group like myself if that had to be him turning over a new leaf and seeking recovery? I could keep going, but you catch my drift. I knew I was powerless, but still thought somehow I had to have control. I wasn't ready to release my imaginary handle on the controls & accept that he was really the driver. This is partly due to the fact that I do have control issues (something I think that I kinda have since I am a oldest child) and partly due to the fact that I usually do make most of the decision in this relationship. I mean, we make the big ones together, but the day-to-day stuff from where we buy groceries, to what tie he wears to church, to whatever - I usually make those calls more often than not. I am still trying to figure out if this is a good thing, a bad thing, or neither, but just they way we work as a couple. Still, I finally said it out loud today. "I am not in control here." "I don't have to control this situation today because I can't control it." Not sure if those were my exact words, but something that that general effect - and for once - the idea didn't send me into a tailspin. For once, I just felt the weight of the world disappear off my shoulders. And ya know what - it was nice for a change.
I loved Step 1 -- finally getting an idea of what I am supposed to be doing in all this. I filled fifteen pages of journal while taking notes, writing quotes and answering questions. It was such a great experience for me! I LOVE reading step 2 -- I haven't wrote about it as much, but the feeling I get while reading it is amazing!
ReplyDeleteWelcome back to the steps. Seriously, the steps saved me in so many ways. In the beginning, I need it like I needed air to breathe. And later on,i needed it for guidance and courage to change. I still need it!
ReplyDeleteStep one for me was like admitting failure. I hated the thought of giving up on my husband, my family, my dreams. Looking back now, almost a year later, I can see that by "losing my life" I have begun to find it. Gradually I began to feel liberated from my own bondage of trying to control his life. I always thought I was in bondage to the effects of addiction, and only he could rescue me (by getting clean.) Now I see that I can knock those walls down myself, with Christ's help) since I put them there.
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