I briefly have to share a HUGE breakthrough I had in counseling this past Tuesday. We were looking over the boundary worksheet I had committed to working on. I hadn't gotten far, but as I shared it with my therapist she asked a few questions. I don't remember the questions or even my answers exactly. The worksheet consisted of sentences that were started that you had to complete. What did come to light what just how hard it was to complete one of the sentences which I did complete and how painful it was to write what I had written.
The sentence started I am no longer willing to...
my contribution: live without trust in my marriage and some improvement in communication.
It may not seem like much, but it was so difficult to put that down on paper and even harder to say it outloud. I bawled as I talked about how difficult that was to write down. I am not sure how it came to be, but in talking about it I voiced that I felt the reason it was so hard to write this was I honestly wasn't sure if I would ever trust him again or what it would take for me to get to where I would trust him. I didn't have any magic answers as to what would do it. In my mind, therefore, it was like saying I felt there was no hope for our relationship and I didn't want that to be the case. I wanted to be stronger. It comes back to all the guilt I have just thinking about ending this relationship. I still feel the need to "save" this relationship. Yikes ! First time I ever admitted that to anyone besides myself. I still feel like if I walk away now I will be doing the wrong thing. I am so torn.
Don't get me wrong - if this relationship did end - it's not a one-sided deal. We both have our faults. I am nowhere near the woman I want to be. I am a work in progress. He is a work in progress. We are nowhere near the "finished" product the Lord has intended us to be...we won't be in this life. But it's all about progress and working on this TOGETHER. I am more than ready to do that. I want the same from him. And honestly, I just don't see that ever happening.
Well, that was supposed to be brief...
Maybe next time?
Note added on May 25th:
I realized in my hurry to close this post so I wouldn't forget to pick up our son at school; I left out the OTHER half of the breakthrough. Sooo...hence the part 1 - because there will be a part 2.
Good work! I'm impressed by your progress and efforts!
ReplyDeleteDon't count your husband out yet :-) You never know what, how, when the Spirit will move someone -- and with you getting your life and emotional well–being in better and better order, he's going to be forced to deal with the reality of you making progress and him having to decide what he wants to do with that. I was just writing an email to my Bishop about how when I 'raised the bar' with J, he actually met me where I needed him to be! And I didn't tell him what to do (in fact, I was doing less of that than I ever have in recovery -- I was just VERY clear about how I was feeling and what I needed to feel safe and loved). I think that even after 8 years of being repeatedly lied to in my marriage, we just hit a place where I was more upfront with what I was feeling and what I expected, and he's shocked me by actually working towards it. I'm not saying he'll always be that way, or he couldn't go backwards, and there won't be relapses, but I was surprised at these things that I thought would never change, but when I changed my heart, my willingness and my expectations of what is and is not OK in my marriage, he actually met me halfway (or is at least working too). (Obviously, porn is NOT okay in my marriage, and that is the eventual thing we're working on -- but these smaller goals were more along the lines of 'I need frequent, honest updates to rebuild the broken trust' and me just basically putting it out there that I am willing to work on our marriage, and improve myself and how I am as a wife, but I need to know he's trying too. And I've seen more effort from him than ever before.) I'm so proud of you that you're working all this out in counseling -- I want to see a counselor soon, our life and schedules have been so hectic, but it's on my very immediate 'to do' list . . . I'd love to have someone helping me gain these kinda insights too! :-)
I also think timing is huge too -- there have been SO many opportunities for my husband to turn his life around that he's ignored, passed up or basically pissed on . . . we just happen to be in a good place right now. I think he could've turned things around at any point by humbling himself before God, but since he picked the harder route of being humbled BY God it's taken longer. What I'm basically saying is that it's all a work in progress -- even when there's not much progress. And especially with you standing up for what you need in your marriage, it pushes back at his comfort level and pushes him closer to taking recovery more serious, even if he's not there yet. (That whole 'addicts seek recovery when the pain of the disease is worse than the pain of the cure' -- that's what it took for my husband, for things in his life to become so incompatible with where we were trying to be, that he finally had to take it more serious.) Now I have babbled so long that I can't remember what I was saying -- basically, I'm proud of you for figuring out some of these boundaries! I need to get me a boundary worksheet like that to work on!