This hurts him too. Sometime I get so wrapped up in my pain and the lack of his remorse that I forget that this hurts him too. He may be drowning in his addiction so horribly beyond my wildest imagination that he may not even grasp that it is destroying him right in front of my eyes and it makes me so sad. I long to see the sparkle that was in my husband's eyes that was there when we first met. It was still there for awhile after I learned of his addiction, but as it has pulled him in deeper and deeper it has pretty much disappeared. I long for his smile. I can see it eating away at him when I stop dwelling on my pain all the time. I married a man full of life, an amazing smile, a desire to raise a family in the gospel with me, and to grow old together. I look at that man now and he is a stranger because of all the darkness inside him. I hate what this addiction has done to him, but I know that the Lord can change all that. But the Lord will not force him.
It's like watching someone drown. And you can't save them. Not because you don't want to - it's because you don't have the power to do so. I do not have the power to save him - that is up to him. The Lord is the only one who can do that and only if my husband does his part just like I have to do my part.
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