The last few days I have had a longing to be intimate with my husband.
This normally would not be considered a crazy desire for a happily married
woman to have. The catch is I am not sure if I am a happily married
woman. Heck, I can't even handle him touching me at times in any form or
fashion and yet I want to intimate with him? I consider that slightly
abnormal.
I want to find a way to reestablish this connection. I know he needs
physical intimacy to feel loved. And yet I need an emotional connection
which right now - I'm not even sure if it was ever there. Maybe it was,
but not in the bedroom? I'm so unsure. I was almost ready tonight
to be intimate with him. It had nothing to do with pressure from him or
anything, but I finally felt like I was ready to be vulnerable in that way with
him again. He made a joke about it though - our intimacy - and it made me
realize that I had already emotionally made myself vulnerable in an intimate
way and he shut me down. I hate putting myself out there and continually
getting hurt.
I think you're so normal. I remember this feeling...not being sure if i could really open up to him physically/emotionally...vulnerability. I had to be in a place that i was safe. I could offer some vulnerability without sacrificing my sanity. It was kind of like bungee jumping. I was terrified and totally unsure, but I remember the moment I decided to take the leap (he wasn't living at home at the time) I asked him to spend the night, it was the night he was excommunicated--it meant so much to both of us.
ReplyDeleteI think sex can be healing. But only if you are both is a place of respect and love. I took it slow and have no regrets.
This was it: http://eatmyscabs.blogspot.com/2012/04/excommunication-pity-sex.html
I went bungee jumping this morning. I don't know why. I guess I decided I was ready to risk it. I feel so stupid. I didn't go splat on the ground, but it sure wasn't anything like I had even remotely hoped for. I think one of my biggest things is that the communication is so not there and I don't feel safe opening those doors. I want him to realize how hard this is for me. How stuff like this is soo huge for me when I hate being vulnerable around him anymore.
ReplyDeleteI know this wasn't a healing experience. I don't think it was damaging. I just think it was a learning experience.