I was gonna try to write this before counseling yesterday and it just didn't happen. I really gained some insight into some of what my head & heart have been saying to me lately, but hearing it all outloud is sometimes so different then the way it plays out in your head & heart.
The other part of my breakthrough was that I was too afraid to tell my husband my personal boundaries because I would have to handle - somehow - whatever his choice was. My mind is fearful he will not accept the BIG boundary I want to lay down. And I personally cannot live with him choosing to disregard that boundary. I would have to walk away. Either separation or divorce. I hate that. I still somehow feel like it's my job to save this marriage. However, I can't do it on my own.
The killer here is I am a planner. I don't feel safe presenting that as a boundary unless I have a plan on how this will all go down. I don't expect to have a perfect plan in place or every detail figured out. Honestly though - I have never really been on my own - I mean - for less than a year I was and that was tough and that was pre-married life & pre-kids.
I have a sketchy work history, I wouldn't have transportation (since I can't afford the car payment we have & the car is in his name - his credit is only slightly better than mine), no college education, and no real financial resources. Oh, & 2 children currently involved and one on the way. And he has family nearby & I have none nearby. All that - scares the crap out of me - and I have no clue to, as my dad says: plan for the worst and hope for the best. I feel I should do just that so I can present that boundary, but I also feel that it is wrong for me to have a "backup plan", persay, in case the worst happens. It's like saying you expect the worse.
Am I making any sense?
I could be wrong here, but it almost seems like you have to sort through some of this to decide what you are willing to do as a consequence to whatever boundaries you decide to set up. I think once you decide that, it's good to let go of the fear of the future or trying to anticipate it, but you first have to be committed to following through when you decide on a boundary.
ReplyDeleteThoughts?