I was recently accused of trying to publicly "out" my
husband. I had the audacity to share a link on Facebook to a story about
a woman who was a church leader's wife (not LDS - another faith - can't remember
the name of the church) and her story. I shared it out of the fact purely
that I thought it shed some light on a subject near and dear to my heart - wife
of an addict or not - pornography is destroying families and individuals &
talking about it can & will help combat the problem.
My first gut
reaction was pure rage at the thought that someone would think that lowly of
me. My accusers obviously didn't know me as well as they thought they
did. I couldn't grasp why they hadn't thought their accusation
through. I was hurt and saddened by the thought.
What purpose would me "outing" my husband serve? While I seek an
outlet here by writing, I have done nothing to publicly name the person who has
hurt me most. It would serve no purpose. It would almost
undoubtedly put a greater distance between us. I know public humiliation
has never made me want to change, seek light, or strive to stand a little
taller. I can hardly see that being any different for him. It would
shake his foundation of trust as to my personal motives.
Honestly though, at times I have wanted to "out" him. Not to
hurt or embarrass him, but thinking just maybe it would make him see the
light. But, I am not ready for that either. I can't explain
it. But somehow people not only seem to judge the sinner but those around
him/her and I feel I would be judged too - as if it was my fault. Some of
the people that know him personally & know of his addiction still seem to
place a part of the blame on me. One of them even places some blame on
themselves a bit.
Our culture (as Latter-Day Saints) is not to blame, but sometime the stigma
of such since and some of the possible consequences that others can see make it
even easier for those who judge to pass judgment. And without knowing the
whole story. I have to say I used to do this a lot, but I am learning
more and more just how wrong it is. No matter what the story is. Judgment
is the Lord's place.
More than anything, if I ever shared this information with people in a
very public way, it would be with the intent of helping others. I really
just want others dealing with this addiction to know they aren't alone. I
want them to know there is HOPE. I want them to know that there are those
that aren't judging and truly just want to help.
Oh man, I relate to this concept. There was a time when I was so mortified with my spouses actions that i was paralyzed into silence. He's my other half, his actions reflect on me and my kids.
ReplyDeleteBut then something in me broke. I've actually come up with the excuse that I may have had a temporary case of insanity induced Tourettes. I'm ashamed to admit that I did "out" him to some people and on a few occasions, complete strangers. The loss of ones sanity can have a terrible effect on what comes out of your mouth.
This really shows your strength and kindness.
Thanks, I wish I felt it showed that about me. I think it shows fear, but you did open my eyes to another way to look at it. I am trying hard to keep my sanity (or what's left of it) intact, but I certainly do understand. I feel now that in my need to talk about it I may have told too many people, but he knows everyone who knows & that they know so it's not like I am keeping anything hidden from him there. More than anything though, two years ago when I was "trying" to work the 12 Steps I don't think I got quite what it was about - I was focused on the suffering he inflicted on me, but now, I am beginning to understand how much this must hurt him. Even if he isn't willing to admit it - I think he knows deep down it is.
ReplyDeleteMy younger sister shares things on facebook about the scourge of porn, and from 'Fight the New Drug' and other organizations. She's single, so I feel like it's 'easier' for her, but I often wish I could boldly stand for what is right and what is important and stand up for others without worrying what other people will think . . . I love that you shared something that was right and true and good. I think things won't change if we don't all speak up about there being a huge problem, but I'm still too chicken.
ReplyDeleteSome days I just want to stand up in Relief Society and say, "If ANY of you are having this problem in your marriage, so am I. It's hard, it sucks, and if you want to talk or go to a meeting with me, I'd love to. Call me." Aw, if only I was that brave.
(I have actually written a long email to sisters going through this, that my Bishop has anonymously given to various women in my Ward (I don't know who, obviously). It was about what I've learned, what resources are available, how I felt and how I'm getting past that.)
-HX