Me & My Story

Let me start of by saying this is my story because I will never be able to tell it from my husband's point of view just like he will never be able to tell it from me.  Honestly, I'm not sure where to start with my story.  I think the journey began with my first discovery I made shortly after we married.  I have really kept a record of this journey so it's all memory based - at least up till now - so please forgive me.  I believe the first discovery happened in the first six months we were married.  I was young, quite naive, and maybe in denial.  I was repacking or unpacking his movie collection when I stumbled across adult movies and magazines.  As far as I can remember, this was my first personal exposure to pornography.  I was disgusted, horrified, ashamed, and embarrassed all at the same time.  Still, I didn't get it.  I confronted him - he admitted he had viewed that stuff before, but we agreed it belonged in the trash.  We threw it in the trash and that was that.

I discovered made numerous discoveries over the years (11 years - next month to be exact) and each one rocked my world.  I finally started digging deeper into educating myself about pornography  - books, talk by general authorities, going to counseling, going to LDS Services family support group for addicts, and finally understanding a lot more about what it's about.  I finally realized we were in over our heads.  I was in over my head and I needed help.  I went to the family support group and thought I was doing the right thing - but I was just going through the motions.  Honestly - I still wonder how sincere I am right now.  I wish my husband was more open about this (heck - in our relationship it would be great if we could talk openly about anything of importance) and that he realized he was in over his head.  That he needs help.  And I can't do it for him and I can't get help for him.  I can be here for him when he is ready to seek recovery.  But, he has to do the work.

So, for now, I am focusing on my recovery.  It was really hard at first.  Right now I am in a good place.  I really don't understand it myself.  For the first time since nearly the beginning of the year - I really do feel at peace for the most part.  I still have bad days.  But for now, I have some peace.  And I am really grateful for it.

I don't know how the story continues just yet, where it will lead, if it will be a path my husband and I walk together, or if I will have to walk it alone.  Thankfully, I don't have to walk it alone.  I'll have my Savior carry me if needs be, but I won't be alone.