Thursday Night

Thursday night we had some friends over - a guy my husband used to work with his wife.  Theirs is an interesting relationship.  He is fairly young & quite naive (at least to me) and she is pretty young herself and while she is slightly less naive - still very "young".  I'm not sure if that information has any bearing on a small - very small piece - of conversation was about last night, but anyhow.

I don't even know how or why it came up in conversation - this guy is VERY random - but somehow he starting talking about how he had recently watched some sort of documentary about pornography or the pornography industry.  His main thing was that he just couldn't understand why people would view that stuff.  He laughed about it.  Ya know, like I just don't get this laugh.  How do you laugh about something like that?  I mean, especially if you are LDS, you & a RM (which this young man is).  You know this is something that is seriously ugly to us.  WHY the heck would you laugh???? 

This was my first time really being in just a random conversation with someone who has no clue about our situation.  I had a hard time looking at him.  I was torn.  Maybe the laugh was what really set me off.    Part of me wanted to run from the room to puke.  Part of me wanted to publicly out my husband by saying something like "well, maybe he can explain it to you."   A tiny bit of me wanted to just as politely as I could muster - well, you just don't get what you are talking about,”  

I realized as I was typing this up that maybe I should talk to my husband about it.  See how the whole thing made him feel.  See if it would open up him up a little to talking about this.  I don't know.  That's another can of worms.  I am not trying monitor his every move, but I have to talk about this.  And he has to know what I have discovered - yes, still a few things to share there - that I haven't told him I know.  Mostly though, I just want open dialogue with him.  I want to know when he struggles, is tempted, and whatnot.  To me - it's a step towards him being honest with me about his addiction and is a very teensy tiny baby step in rebuilding trust.  And for me personally - that is something I will have to eventually feel I can have with him in this relationship or I will eventually walk away with my sanity intact.  It used to be about punishing him.  But now, I just want a thing called trust.