I am writing this post in response to my friend, Angel & her awesome post. I am currently the sole seeker of recovery in a home invaded by my husband's pornography addiction. We are going on nearly 10 1/2 years of my knowledge of addiction which slowly seems to be esclating. We are also going on nearly 11 years of marriage, 3 children (2 living - we have an angel waiting in heaven), and one more on the way.
I currently seek outside counseling, attend a local 12 Step recovery/support program for family & friends through LDS Family Services, and interact in the world of forums & blogs for those dealing with this addiction. Most importantly though I am working on continually working the 12 Steps and using them to help me find healing through my Savior. I am nowhere near recovery, but I do believe it is possible through the 12 Step program. I know have a lot to learn and so many ways to deal with this better, but I am trying to be patient with myself.
Honestly, I don't know much about where my husband is in all of this. He knows I go to counseling and the support group. I know he still views pornography. I think -based on our last conversation (in April) about this ugly topic - that he still doesn't see it as a problem or have the desire to seek recovery. It's hard when the addict doesn't even want to talk about the problem - even if they are in denial that is is a problem.
I wish I ha a prettier picture to paint, but this is my reality.
I really admire you for taking initiative and seeking your own recovery. My heart breaks that your husband is where he is. Just out of curiosity, do you guys have a good relationship otherwise? Do you laugh together, enjoy time together, stuff like that?
ReplyDeleteI have no idea...as strange as that sounds. We have drifted so far apart over the years for a variety of reasons. We can laugh together...but I honestly don't if know what a good relationship would look like if I had it or what qualifies as such. I am so dead to all of it - or at least I try to be. Our priorities are so different.
ReplyDeleteS! This is perfect. You are now onboard the time machine. (And thanks for the shout out!):
ReplyDeletehttp://healingatheavensfountain.blogspot.com/2012/06/experiment-time-machine.html
And now to respond to your post ... My dear, dear friend and sister. I would ask, "How on earth are you doing it?" But you already answered that question. You are clinging to the Savior. You are going to all the right places for help. You ... are... amazing. Do you know that? I hope so. Don't forget it. If you do, please reach out to me, and I will remind you. I don't know you, but I love you already. If I could, I would bind up all your wounds and succor your pain, but I know you need to go through your process, and I am so glad you have found us and that you are getting help from outside sources. Hang in there. I'm here for you, girlfriend. Email me anytime, k? I mean it! angelgirly nineteen-eighty at hotmail dot com.
Darn it, Angel, making me all teary-eyed. It's funny because sometimes I don't feel like I'm clinging to the Savior - it's just me clinging to the twisted safety of this mess. To do anything else would be insanity - if that makes any sense. However, I do realize I am slowly moving forward and try to remember to give myself credit for that.
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