I will warn you - I have a feeling this may be a ramble, but I felt the need to out this out there. Yesterday afternoon I laid down to try (try is the operative word) and get a much needed nap in before the crazy evening ahead. I found myself thinking a great deal about my friend HX and her post I had read earlier in the day. I have to say - I am so glad I get a peek into the healing that is going on between couples and in their marriages in this great blog world. It is hard at times to hear and yet it makes me smile and gives me hope.
However, that post got me thinking about communication (or the lack thereof) in my marriage and some things that Mr. Scabs said in answering another of my questions. And that lead me to conversations me and my best friend had last spring when I was thinking about filing for divorce. I have kinda always blamed him for our communication problems. I wondered though, maybe I am part of this problem. Maybe somehow he doesn't feel safe in opening up to me. Just like I feel that way with him. Then I started doing some thinking about how some people (addicts included) feel that addictions could be "fixed" and would no longer be addictions if loved ones of the addict just did - fill in the blank with whatever you've heard. Somehow needs of a loved one or spouse weren't being met. And that is the whole problem.
A great deal of the discussions my best friend and I had last spring revolved around needs and unmet needs. She said I shouldn't rely on his to meet all of my needs. I think that is true - to an extent - but it makes me wonder what happens or more importantly, what should happen, when those needs aren't being met.
I know that my husband has felt that some of his needs aren't being met and I have felt likewise. And I am not just talking about sexual needs either - although there is a lot of misconceptions out there (that I still battle with) about how if spouses just gave into the addicts desires more often all would be well. We, as humans, have physical needs, spiritual, emotional, social, & mental needs (feel free to let me know if I am missing an aspect). I bring all this up because otherwise this seems like a great excuse for the addict or me to use to explain behaviors. How do we help these needs get met if we are not to rely on our spouse?
Maybe Jacy can step in here if I get this wrong but her counselor told her "Jacy- what are needs? Food, clothing, shelter. Those are needs." I know it sounds super harsh but I think it's true. I want to be loved, I want to be validated and I'm glad I have people in my life to do that for me. But I have to be careful not to get stuck in self-pity when I think someone (husband) isnt meeting my "needs." True happiness is possible even without our so-called needs being met. There are many examples of this unselfish way of living. Like Victor Frankl in Man's Search for Meaning
ReplyDeleteIs that really a way to live though? I mean, if you must survive that way - I guess I can see that. Isn't one of the beauties of marriage the opportunity to serve someone, though. I think, we often meet the needs of others by serving them. What do we call these things then if they are not needs? I guess I just feel that at least in the context of marriage – there should be some desire to try to meet the “needs” of the other. Am I supposed to live in a relationship that feels empty of pretty much any sort of connection? Is he supposed to do the same?
DeleteI've thought a lot about this with the struggles I have with extended family relationships and expectations for what such relationships 'should' look like. As I read through recovery materials, it seems the message is that as soon as we have expectations for others or for life, we set ourselves up for pain. Resentments are a key force in keeping us stuck in unhealthy behaviors and mindsets.
ReplyDeleteI think it's hard to wrap our heads around, but I think that ultimately, 12 steps are about letting God fill our needs. Fully and completely. Once we don't have to rely on anyone else, then we don't give others power over our lives and our well-being, and we trust ourselves to the care of our God.
I'm reminded of a saying my mom used to say when I was dating: "Love is sharing your fullness, not filling your emptiness." I'm also reminded of the scripture that says "All things must fail" -- except the love of Christ. I think once we realize that we simply will and do fail each other, we can stop expecting others to fill our needs and instead be grateful for whatever goodness comes in a relationship without being dependent on others for our well-being.
Still not living that yet -- it's hard to let go of expectations -- but the principles do resonate with me.
I wish I could say that what Michelle wrote was what I was trying to say in my first response, but to be truthful, I'm not sure I knew what I was trying to say. (I need to stop responding to people's heartfelt thoughts and concerns with my impulse reactions.)
ReplyDeleteI can see how you are wondering about your marriage, if a marriage is devoid of love and mutual desire to serve each other, is it worth being in? I can't answer that because I'm not sure if that accurately describes your marriage and even if it does, it's not my place.
What I think Michelle so eloquently stated is that finding a new husband, who desires to meet your needs, is not what will make you happy. But I can tell that you are figuring this out, you are thinking, learning and at some point you'll know what to do about your marriage. But by the time you get there, you'll feel peace and contentment in your life, seperate from him and the way he treats you.
I admire you S, and like I said, I believe you are going to sort through this and be another survivor, strong and happy.
Thanks to both of you dears !
ReplyDeleteMichelle - I think you are spot on about the 12 steps - as hard as that is for me to say. And hard to me to believe - and not really that I don't believe - but as you said - to wrap my mind around. I know the Lord can fill my needs - but it's hard to see sometimes.
And Jane, thanks for your faith in me & my ability to sort all this out - cause honestly, at times, I think I'm a lost cause.
I've told my husband a few times that 'turning it over to God' is so hard for me, 'cause I want my husband to be the one to make me feel better. He hurt me, now I want us to get better together. I want him to meet my needs. I want him to make it up to me. I want him to make me happy. I'm learning I need to turn it over to Christ, that through the atonement I will find peace . . . the whole 'trust not in the arm of flesh' thing . . . but I want to trust in my husband, I want to look to him -- but when I put him in that role, I can't let the Savior be there. So, I need to relinquish this idea of finding my healing in my husband, and look to God.
ReplyDeleteSO, I TOTALLY am still trying to figure this out, and I still have work to do with letting go of my preconceived notions of healing and of completeness (within my marriage) and learn what God wants me to learn. But man, it scares me sometimes :-)
(Oh, and this is the scripture I was thinking of: 2 Nephi 4:34
O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh . . .)