when I say "it" - at least right now, I mean healing. It probably doesn't help that I am pregnant and can't tell these days if it's my hormones running wild or if it's just sheer exhaustion of constantly being overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with stress about how to provide for this new baby, how to pay all my bills (since I don't really get any help from husband on any of that), how to keep our family fed (yes, it's that bad - unless we resort to rice & beans every night), & how to not let all this affect my parenting. I feel like I am trying to juggle too many balls and have little support. And I can't figure out which ball to drop or even I can even drop one.
Maybe part of it's because I didn't go to counseling this week - though I think we've reached a standstill there. I think I need someone who is LDS but who specializes in sexual addiction. And financially - just not an option for me.
I want my parachute to be packed already so I can jump because I feel like I am suffocating on this airplane ride. I seem to be surround be amazing people who feel things like love,empathy,compassion, & such for their spouses. I feel hurt, resentment, and a failure. I feel dead inside towards him. And honestly, I am not sure if I want to feel anything for him. I mean - no matter what he will always be the father of our children, but I am not sure of anything past that. I hate saying that, but it's the truth. I was raised and feel so pressured to feel things right now that I can't even comprehend feeling toward him. I have been struggling all my life it seems to somehow feel what I am supposed to feel and not what I am really feeling and then a dam breaks every now & then. Like now. I am not sure I can live without constantly wondering if I should be trusting him. And shame on me for saying this - but if we can't communicate about this,seek recovery, & start to do some healing I am not sure I want to keep hanging on.
And yet - I need a stupid stinkin' parachute - which will take years for me to pack. And realistically - I know I need it and yet I am suffocating and wonder if I will die of suffocation before the dang thing is packed.
I live in fear that whatever I say or do somehow might be used against
me if ever I jump - and do feel that divorce is the what I need to do.
I am nowhere near perfect, but when I filed last year in anger - it was
made abundently clear that people had been keeping track of every
possible misdeed of mine and yet somehow his were all my fault too. So
therefore - I am responsible for the failure for our marriage. Honestly
- there are so many issues we have besides pornography that it seems
like this marriage has been dead for a long time.
Aw, my heart is breaking for you :-( I am praying for you -- and I hope you'll start feeling God's answers for you soon -- knowing what God wants you to do will make it so much easier to do, no matter what it is . . . for not, just keep going forward, 'cause as much as you're 'not feeling it' right now (and we've all been there), you have made tremendous leaps forward, and have come so far, that the occasional step backwards won't hurt you in the long run and is even expected from time to time. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I keep thinking, "Man, she should NOT have to be dealing with all this on top of being pregnant!" But it reminds me of something Peggy said to me last night that made a whole chunk of things fall into place for me -- I always seemed to find out about months and months of lies at the WORST possible times -- right before babies were born, right after babies were born, when my son was horribly ill and we'd just come home from the hospital (still on oxygen). I was always kind of bitter at God that I always felt prompted to make a discovery at a time when life was hard and I was weaker -- why couldn't I find out these things when I was stronger and better off. Peggy last night told me that maybe God does that because we need to be humble -- when we REALLY need Him, when we are REALLY reaching out, and when we are REALLY seeking help in our lives, that's when He shows us something. All this time I felt angry and hurt that God would let me discover something when I was so fragile -- now I'm starting to see that He was waiting until I was humble and leaning on Him more fully than I normally do. It totally changed my way of thinking.
ReplyDeleteOne of the things I've appreciated most from those who have gotten to the point of being 'strong in recovery' (whatever they are recovering from) is an open-hearted acceptance of the 'downs' in the up and down process. Even the fact that you are aware that you aren't feeling it indicates that you know something of what 'it' feels like.
ReplyDeleteAnd that's progress, lady.
I had a really off day yesterday too. Infact, it was just plain rotten. I thought despairing thoughts that I thought I was way past. But in the back of my mind I knew, tomorrow will be better. I feel sad now, but it won't always be like this. At the time I even knew all the things I could have done to snap myself out of it, but I just didn't want to. I wanted to be sad and feel the pain for awhile. (A truer description might just be I just plain sulked!) But here I am today, and I am feeling better. I felt the pain and I am moving on. I reflected how my husbands addiction makes me sad, but there are lots of other parts that make me happy. Just like his addiction is only part of him, my sadness is only part of me. I hope you are feeling better today too.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are going through all of this. :( You mentioned something about how difficult it is taking care of the bills and food. Have you thought about approaching your Bishop to assist with some of this (food and bills)?
ReplyDeleteTake care and know that we are all praying for you.
It seems like everything you feeling is normal. And I can totally see how you would feel overwhelmed. But you have made massive progress!!! Think of where you were one month ago. Am I right? You've made some serious progress. I can tell by all your cyber chatter here and there. Parachutes can take a long time to pack and that's ok. And sometimes part of parachute packing is in your mind and in your heart.
ReplyDeleteFor me, when I was in such a place of pain and hurt, I just let go of him. just let go. it will relive your feelings of stress and suffocation.
I saw this today, and although not everything may apply to your situation, some might. This is a simple run-down of how to detach.
http://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
i love you. i know you are strong. I know you are beautiful and sexy. I know you are a fabulous mother and loyal friend. You can do this.