It must have a TON to do with the fact that I am pregnant, but I have been a basket case these last couple of week. Add other stressors plus my self-disgust & it's a recipe for disaster. It probably doesn't help either that I ditched the last 2 weeks of counseling - for no real good reason.
I did make a little headway though in a conversation via text with my sponsor yesterday. This was the 3rd time since I have asked her to be my sponsor that I have reached out for some help.
We discussed why I hadn't made the one boundary I thought was the best I had come up with yet. I made some new discoveries about why I haven't done that yet and feelings I have had for years, but never shared with anyone - I really don't think I knew they were there till I heard myself saying things I had never heard myself say before She asked "Do you feel like you are being abused?". And I laughed. It was the strangest response I could imagine a person having. I still have a hard time with that one. Sometimes yes - sometime no. I think in my mind abuse means physically being hurt by someone else and that's not what's happening - and yet... She made a reference to walking away & I told her I wasn't ready to do that - I just needed to be able have the fear of emotional, physical, or verbal threat (but really that isn't the word I should have used - more like abuse - which is what I almost just typed there). She talked about how sometimes walking away is the best thing we can do for ourselves and our loved ones. We also later talked about how either way - committing to one direction or the other can help the fear subside if we are taking the path Heavenly Father would have us go.
So, while I have gained some insight to my feelings, I am still clueless what to do. And my pride still gets in the way of me asking for my Heavenly Father's guidance. I am thinking of talking to my bishop, laying down this boundary, keep trying to work the Steps, & maybe getting a blessing. So just maybe I'll end this post with the fact that my goals for today - go to counseling, type up my boundary, & set up an appointment with the Bishop.
One day at a time. You don't have to map out your whole life in a a moment. Just take it one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteI second Marlee (again!), that one day at a time. ESPECIALLY in pregnancy -- you just focus on you and that baby and your kids, and just keep yourself open to the Spirit and God will let you know what to do and how to do it. I think He is SO much closer than we realize -- imagine if you had a daughter going through what you're going through, wouldn't you be there at a moment's notice, even if she'd been prideful or hadn't been doing the things she needed to do perfectly -- of course, you'd be there as her parent because you love her and she's going through something hard -- I think that's how God is. He hates to see us going through what we are going through, and I think he's so much closer than we give Him credit for, just waiting to step in and help out at our slightest invitation to do so . . . and He's there even when you don't see it, recognize it and feel it . . . He's there, and He loves you. Hugs!
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