Talking to the wall & waiting...

Two nights ago I finally sat down with the man I am married to and explained to him what I had been feeling since my blessing.  I had originally planned on sending him an e-mail to start the conversation.  I used that e-mail I started instead as an outline for a conversation with him. 

It's so hard to be vulnerable with a person who is playing a game on his phone while you are trying to explain why you have decided to stay; to ask him to agree to dismiss the divorce case you started.  Granted, it's like not I intentionally sat down right next to him (because I didn't) & tried to get his attention that way.  Neither of us really looked at each other - he was game playing and I was focusing on my paper so I wouldn't forget anything I wanted to say because I was somewhat anxious about what his response might be.

It went something like this - granted - this is just that e-mail I used as an outline - but pretty much covered what I said.

You were there for the blessing I got from Brother ABC & Brother XYZ Thursday night, what were your impressions from the blessing?
Deciding on divorce was very hard for me. As we have gone through this process, I have felt very conflicted because I want to do what is best for our family while maintaining safety for myself as well. I thought I had received the answer that divorce was the option to choose, but I now feel differently because of the blessing and other inspiration I have received.  I am choosing to stay in this marriage.
  I am willing to go to marriage counseling and read the book the bishop wanted us to read.
I have spoken with my attorney about dismissing the case.  We would both need to agree to dismiss it and if so then we would sign a stipulation and it would be dismissed.

He wanted me to expand on the other inspiration/experiences I had, but I wasn't ready to be that vulnerable yet.  He wanted to know how he could be reassured we wouldn't be on this path again.  I told him I couldn't promise that.  He wanted to know what would change.  I said I needed to continue to work on me.  And I hope he would seek some help for himself and that we could get to a point where we could work on our marriage together.  I didn't get him a date as to "I need to have an answer by x date".  The fact that he didn't say yes to signing a stipulation has me anxiously waiting.  Part of me is scared that people will try to influence him to go ahead and divorce me - that I may have ulterior motives.  I waited a week to have this conversation to make sure I wasn't going to change my mind again.  At least for now.  That it wasn't financially driven.  Or anything else.  That my heart was right.  Even with some behaviors, right now on his part, that would usually send me into crazy mode & probably usually influence me to change my mind - haven't changed what I feel I need to be doing.  Even though it still hurts

So I wait...

Meanwhile,  I have thought a lot more about this whole situation and all the issues involved.  As much as I struggle to trust him; he probably feels the same way about me.  And the resentment.  Let's just say I'm great at letting resentment build up.  And I wouldn't be surprised if he had a great deal of resentment for me.  And the lack of love.  Or the fact that I should feel safe in my own home from exposure to this filth.  And the list goes on & on.  There are soo many issues here that I don't have a clue how to address and still say sane.  I guess this is where faith & humility need to kick into full gear.

And by the way...if you're read this far...you're a saint.

Oh & he apparently didn't really hear much of the blessing though he was less than 2 feet away & our little girl was quiet.