Staying

I am choosing to stay.  Every time I write, type, or use word that say just that I am dumbfounded.  And yet.  The anxiety is gone.  I face many of the same unknowns that I faced choosing to divorce.  And my offering could still blowup in my face.

Less than a week ago I was preparing for my first mediation session with my soon-to-be ex, anxiety ridden over no luck on the job front, and battling despair.  I had known for a few weeks that I was in desperate need of a priesthood blessing.  I finally reached out and two wonderful priesthood holders laid their hands on my head & changed everything.  Well, the Lord did.  He finally got through to me.  I should say that while I hadn't prayed about the decision to divorce a great deal - I felt no answer coming my way.  I assumed the ball was being left in my court and after several conversations with my husband - his disinterest in really even communicating with me made me feel like I had no choice.  So we are in the divorce process.  But back to the blessing.

I needed peace.  I needed guidance.  I needed answers.  I had often prayed to Heavenly Father saying that if he wanted me to change my path he needed to communicate that to me somehow - LOUD & CLEAR.  So I wouldn't doubt it.  He tried one method - I can see now - in hindsight.  But I chose logic over my heart.

I wish I had recorded this blessing.  I spent most of it listening & then reacting to what was being said.  It was really beautiful.  And over & over I heard a gentle reminder that this was from Him.  From my Heavenly Father - not from these wonderful men - but from a father who knows me & see the whole picture.  There was a lot of great counsel.  Gentle reminders.  And overall love & peace.  Shortly before the blessing was closed the tone changed for a moment & became slightly sober & stern.  Like a father once more - one STRONGLY advising/pleading - and words - I wish I could remember the exact words - I was focusing on the feeling - basically - the words that were spoken basically said that if I continued the path I was on in my marriage  that I would deeply regret it.  There was more to it than that - but the regret part stuck out to me.  And the feeling.  The feeling.  I can't even describe it.  I can only say that I felt I needed to change my path & my heart was being softened.

I was almost to scared to focus on the words right away.  I didn't journal.  I didn't pray.  And then.  To top it all off.  There were a few experiences/impressions I had that complemented the feeling I had near the end of my blessing.

Later that night I was watching a tv show with my husband, but zoned out for a few minutes.  I saw what almost felt like a vision/I don't know what to call it.  But I watched me & my husband kiss.  We haven't kissed in almost 2 years.  And yet I saw us kissing.  And it didn't trigger me in any way.  I was quite in shock, but not triggered.  The next day I felt that I needed to tell my husband and bishop that I was willing to do something our bishop had wanted both of us to do.  I had originally - in a meeting with the bishop said I was willing to do what he asked - marriage counseling & read a certain book.  And then realized that was not ok with me at that point in time.  It was a huge trigger & very unsettling.  So I e-mailed my bishop & told him I was no longer willing to do what he asked.  And yet now - I was feeling I needed to do these things.  And I no longer had this resentment towards my bishop.

I spent a great deal of time talking all this out with a friend Friday night and into Saturday morning.  I talked it over in counseling today.  I haven't talked to my husband about this all yet, but I am planning on having that conversation tomorrow.  And then calling my bishop. 

And the only really scary part is wondering how my offer to stay will be met.  I can only offer.  I can only tell him the whys & pray he'll understand & forgive me & we can find a way to start over.  To build a new foundation.  Honestly, at this point, if he doesn't agree to dismiss our divorce case, it will go through.  I may still end up divorced.  But then I can live with no regrets.  Or just maybe...this is the start of a new beginning for us.