Nothingness and Deadness

I was thinking if I got to write this post it would be a happy one.  Silly me.  I knew the path I chose a few weeks ago after THE priesthood blessing that will forever stand in my mind.  Or at least what I felt during it.  I can pinpoint back most of my sanity lately back to that blessing.  And the self-awareness.  Which is all too painful for me to deal with at times. 

Right now though.  Right now I am full of nothingness and deadness.  Heck, even that doesn't make sense.  I have an answer from him finally.  And yet, even though it's the answer I wanted and I'm pretty sure God wants.  It seems to be for all the wrong reasons or for no reason at all except that it's the easy path - in his eyes.  We will be dismissing our divorce case.  And yet the victory seems soo hallow.

I realized earlier today that while I hadn't said he needed to get back to me by a certain date that we were due in court Monday to set a trial date.  The only way to get out of that date & save him from missing work and costing both of us was to get back to the court saying we were dismissing the case before then.  That takes time.  Papers have to be drawn up & signed & delivered to the court.

So I once again initiated the conversation (I 99%of the time do, which I resent, and yeah, working on that) and asked if he had made a decision.  He wanted to know what I wanted to change.  I wanted to laugh and go over my laundry list of all the things that I wanted to change.  I resisted though.  I tried to focus on the fact that we basically had two choices if we dismissed the case.  Stay stagnant or start playing on the same team.  I told him I knew I couldn't change him.  He was gonna have to decide he needed help.  I was gonna keep working on me.  And work on our marriage as much as I could on my own. 

He wanted to know what had changed.  And I said nothing.  Except for the fact that I felt loud & clear as day (almost) I had the answer I had wanted with clarity.  And that was to stay.  And I was choosing to obey.

And then it ended with him saying well, if you have your attorney draw up the papers - I'll sign them.  It was like it was a total afterthought.  It was so depressing.