Difficult Things

Yesterday was rough.  Actually - it's been pretty rough in general lately.  I was trying hard to be my usual nice self and it was just ignored or even greeted with hostility.  I was burnt and irritated.  Some of you have already heard me complain about it.

And then he tried to hide something from me.  At least it seemed that way.  Long story short he ended up in a Verizon store with 3 kids & just trying to get his phone working again.  He walked out with his working phone and a tablet.  The man who had complained about spending $35 on school supplies.  The man who changed jobs because he thought he would be getting a raise so he just up & quit one job only to find he would be making minimum wage at the new job.  The same guy who can't pay rent but spends about $100 in cable.  And he got a tablet.

It got better.  He told our children not to tell me.  I only found out because our oldest told me the next morning and was so excited that he would get to play games on the new tablet.  He said dad had told them not to tell me until he could tell me about it.  The look of horror in my middle child's eyes & her warning to her brother before he blabbed the forbidden secret.  I waited all afternoon & into the evening.  I went to the library to study.  I came home & kept waiting for him to say something.  Nothing. 

So I finally did.  It came out that he could afford the tablet because with a 2 yr contract it is only $10 a month for data & the tablet itself is free.  Why do we need a tablet?  He never did say.  Why were the kids told not to tell me about it?  Because I wanted to tell you about it.  He never explained why he hadn't yet though.  All makes me very suspicious.  And untrusting. 

Our conversation (or lack thereof) made a thought pop into my head that same night.  I was part of the problem.  I needed to change the way I approached him in conversation.  I felt like I had some more clues to do my part in helping piece back our marriage.  I just didn't know how to apply what I had learned.

Today we took our little girl to the park together.  It was while we were there that another impression came that now was the time.  That I needed to reach out & touch him.  Literally.  In that moment I knew what I needed to do and yet was fearful I would let fear get in the way and prevent me from following through.  But I didn't.  Someone had replaced the fear with peace.

  After nearly 2 years of an intentional no touch policy - he wasn't/isn't allowed to touch me & I haven't instigated any physical contact,

I reached for his hand.  And I held it.

And while it was difficult, scary, & a big unknown...I did okay.  I wasn't sure what to expect.  Part of me was anxious & fearful of it being a really big ugly trigger.  Part of me was dumbfounded that I actually did it.  It hurt in some ways.  But overall, it was beautiful.  I realized in hindsight as we walked & held hands that maybe the reason peace replaced fear at this point was because He wanted me to reach out & use my actions to communicate to this man I love.  

There are things about this experience that still hurt.  Maybe I'll blog about them later.  But for now I'm trying to soak in the sweetness of it.  Another miracle.  Another tender mercy.