The battle waging inside...

Will the codependent Sally stand up (so we can kick her out of the room) and will the Sally hiding deep down turn the focus back to herself & fight her battle & not worry about his (hubby's) since she has no control over it?  This is the battle I am referring to.  And man.   IT. IS. TOUGH. 

I had a wonderful trip to TX for those of you who have been wondering.  I went there eyes wide open realizing there might be issues there for me and when you get the women in my family together stuff often gets out of control and not often in a good way.  And it was sooo much better than I anticipated.  The kids had a blast too & can't wait to see everyone again since they all plan on coming next spring for our son's baptism.

But back to the topic at hand, THE BATTLE.

I was nervous about leaving my husband home alone and apparently - rightly so.  Coming home was hard, but what I have been facing since I got home has been even harder.  I learned just through observation and him telling me - that Sunday he chose not to go to church.  He has tried to hid the fact in the past that he came to church & then left and I am guessing he thinks I won't notice the car moving from one side of the church to the other.  I also accidentally discovered he created a new account to access more pornography - I don't know if you just need to create and account to access the material or you have to PAY to view the crap.  Not that it really matters, but it would explain why even though we no longer have a garnishment for a old debt he still can't pay the bills he says he is going to pay or buy school clothes for the kids.  And then the cable that entered our home the day before we left - has opened a new can of worms as you can imagine.

I have decided I need to add more boundaries to the mix to the one that I STILL need to present him with - that I will not allow this crap in our home.  I have not taken my stewardship as a parent seriously for a long time and neither has he.  We have done a mediocre job at best at teaching our children the gospel of Jesus Christ.  Well, I am trying to repent of that.  I can't make him do that, but I can control me.  One of the ways is to protect them from this garbage.  It is everywhere, but it doesn't have to be in our home where they might be exposed to it.  So that boundary will have to be laid down.

The BATTLE - though - is while I deal with all this stuff flying up in my face - not making it about him.  A real struggle right now for me.  I am so dead inside I don't even cry anymore from all of it.  Just pissed.  Sad.  Disappointed.  And so frustrated.  I have to still make the focus be me.  My recovery.  Applying the 12 Steps to my life.  Applying the Atonement in my life - and completely partaking of all that gift of the Atonement has to offer.  Right now I have to focus on healing - no matter how he continues to exercise his agency.