6/9 about 11pm MNT - Sometimes I feel like I write too much here. Sometimes I don't feel I write enough. Sometimes I wish I had more meaningful posts or was a more of a storyweaver like some of the other bloggers I follow.
6/9/2012 a little closer to 11pm - Does it tell you anything about how often I write here when I have over 10 posts sitting here in the drafts pile waiting to be published?
6/15/2012 2:33pm MNT - I have struggled with this inside and have to get it out. I need someone to know how I really feel. Those who I most want to tell won't understand or respect my dilemma. Ughh...so you get to hear this. I am not sure I want my husband in the delivery room when this baby is born. I am not saying he's not allowed. I am just sure if I do want him there. And yet I would probably deliver alone without him. There is no way my mom could come and there is not friend or family member other than her that I would be comfortable having there.
6/18/2012 4:28pm MNT - So yesterday afternoon before I laid down for my Sunday nap - I had a thought connected to the above shared on (from the 15th) that I need to get out. I somehow started thinking about our other children's births. He was not there when I delivered our stillborn son (he was in Iraq), but he was there for both of the next two births - our beautiful & amazing son & daughter. How would this little girl (yes, we found out another little girl is coming to our home) feel when someday she realized her father was not there for her birth but there for her siblings births, if I asked him not to be there? It really bothered me. It left me wondering if no matter how I felt, for his sake & her sake, I should set aside my feelings & allow him to be there.
6/23/2012 1:39pm MNT - I have gotten to where I have a really hard time on our anniversary. Today is 11 years. Add to that the fact that he keeps hinting at his desire for intimacy lately - and between pregnancy and just not feeling any sort of connection that would bring on my desire - I am just irritated and disgusted. Even his "playful" advances & touching just make me feel cheap - they have for years - and it just keeps getting worse - I'll tell him no & he acts like he has the right or even jokes about me trying to stop him. And then there is the "Happy Anniversary" front we put on - that we are happily married. We're married - yes - happily - well, that's another story.
9/16/2012 3:36pm MNT - So many little things I am holding onto right now wanting to talk to him about, but waiting. We have made some baby step progress in some way by him agreeing for now to try couples counseling. My therapist encouraged me strongly to wait on dealing with this crap I am holding onto until we can address it in counseling. However, I am not sure how much longer I can do that & I also want to address some other boundaries I want to set. The reason for waiting on all this for couples counseling is that I feel too emotionally & physically vulnerable with him. I also want some one to help mediate and act as a witness as to how these conversations go. He may hold back on his true feels some though I fear in such situations where if he was with me it could get a little uglier. So it is for my protection in some ways but then how do I know what is real with him.
I am also still having the dilemma about having him there for the birth of our daughter. I feel so vulnerable - physically & emotionally around him and I am not sure how that may or may not affect me as I go through labor. This is the hardest physical work of my life - going through labor - it is physically,mentally, & emotionally exhausting & my focus needs to be on working through the process (kinda like I need to focus on my recovery & not the lack of his recovery or seeking recovery) not being uncomfortable because he is there. I feel soo torn about what to do with this dilemma & it can't wait too much longer as she is due is 7 weeks - possibly sooner.
So, I welcome your thoughts on any of my random thoughts !
:)
I'd let him participate in the birth.
ReplyDeleteI'd also start sharing your feelings with him, it helps to get the anger out. He needs to know how much he's hurt you. I know from experience that holding it all in only makes things worse. It actually made me physically and spiritually ill.
I told my husband the whole rollercoaster of emotions. It felt so good to get it out. His response may not be great, but he owes it to you to listen.
Take it to the Lord! That's my answer for everything lately.
My prayers are with you!
You could compromised by having him there for the delivery, but not the labor. When they call the Dr in for the delivery, you could also send for your husband (assuming he is willing to be present in the waiting room). I can see that it would be important to your daughter to see pictures of her in the delivery room with both parents. She is a girl and will likely pour over pictures of her as a newborn. I know my girls do!! You are a kind and sweet momma to be considering her feelings above your own. I agree with Sparrow -- take it to the Lord! He will guide you in your answer and who might be a good option to get you through the tough stages of labor. It sound like you could use some extra support regardless of if your husband is present or not!
ReplyDeleteI recently asked a friend to be there for labor & now just have to tell hubby as he's not crazy about her, but she is my best friend here. I think you ladies are right about having him there for the actual birth.
ReplyDeleteI would love to share my feeling with him, but he basically doesn't give me the time of day for that kind of stuff. And it upsets me even more when he doesn't react the way I want him to - at least a little. Like when I laid down my no-touch boundary - he was like we never touch. I gave him specific recent examples & he was like - ya - but we rarely touch - I'm thinking - yes, I know - so why are you freaking out - why is it such a issue? He seemed to want more of an explanation & so I was I started to try to explain a little more, but he was tuning me out. And he also started freaking out about the possible consequences for breaking that boundary.
i wish you felt safer. I can feel your struggle through your words and i wish so badly you felt safe and adored, like you deserve.
ReplyDeletelabor is hard work. invite him if you feel like it. and don't invite him if you don't feel like it. Bottom line, you need to feel safe when you are birthing your daughter.
S-Do you have an email I can contact you at? I am 35 wks pregnant with my 4th child and found out 3 wks ago that my husband of 11 yrs has a porn/sex addiction problem and has been having an affair. Reading your posts are like reading my own thoughts. I would love to be able to communicate with you on a more private level. my email is....iwillsurvive3333@gmail.com please contact me.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous - I am soo sorry - I haven't been back here in forever - such is life with a newborn. You can e-mail me at iwillfindhealing@gmail.com. You are also more than welcome to text me. I will message you my phone number at your e-mail address.
ReplyDelete