I am soo absolutely thrilled right now though if you were looking at me right now you'd never no it. The latter part has to do with the fact that I am sooo tired, pregnant, & ready to have this baby out of my body - just because it is physically so draining. Anyhow, the reason I am thrilled is that in less than 2 weeks me & my pregnant body, and my 2 lovely children will board various planes to make a trip to TX for my sister's wedding. This is all possible due solely because of my incredible parents purchasing our tickets for us.
It is sooo overwhelming to me in the sense that it just means so much to me to go & even more so to bring my children with. I can't even cry about it. It just means that much to me.
However, it will be a physically exhausting journey as well as emotionally exhausting. I know hormones won't help either. The corner of the street will look 100x different because my aunt passed away last December & that will be hard to see. And there is no grave site to for her. However, I do have the opportunity to visit my son's grave site with my children and part of me really wants to go there & part of me doesn't. Plus my sister getting married (insane & wonderful all at the same time). And eventually saying good-byes when it's times to come back.
And then there is the fact that I will miss a counseling session, wondering just how much porn my husband will view while I am gone, wondering if he might even try to possibly hook-up with someone locally. Yes, I still wonder at times & lately I have really struggled with wanting to check up on him, but trying to remind myself that I have no control over him. He has his agency just like I have mine.
Did I mention somewhere between now & then I am hoping to start Step 4? Or that this weekend I want to lay out my first & only boundary since May with him?
I am emotionally exhausted just thinking about all of it. SIGH...
I hope you have a wonderful trip! Your husband will do what he will, let go and let God take care of him. Enjoy some nice Texas heat for me.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about the exhaustion -- physical, mental and emotional -- pregnancy can be such a tough place to be on its own, plus add in all this porn nonsense and it's just not fair. But, like Marlee said, God takes care -- he'll take care of you, on this trip, and in life in general. Enjoy the trip, all the emotional highs and lows of it all, just soak it in and enjoy being with family and your kids! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteHope the trip is rejuvenating too. I've been thinking about you a lot lately, wondering how you are doing?
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ReplyDeleteThe trip was great. Coming home difficult. What I have had to deal with since I got home even harder.
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