Picking Up the Pieces - Part 3

Hubby & I met with our bishop together for the first time Wednesday night - 2 weeks ago.

Anyhow, he (the bishop) basically opened things up by talking about kinda what he had heard from both of us recently (conflicting info - of course) and how he didn't feel comfortable getting in the middle of our marriage.  We should be talking about these things and everything.  Okay - I agree with that.  And I do have to confess I went in on the defensive - armed with a computer - since I felt like I needed to prove to the bishop that I wasn't lying - he was still viewing pornographic material.

He opened it up to us to discuss & I sat there while the hubs lied.  He said he wanted to quit this.  He wanted it out of his life.  He was trying to not get on the computer.  He was trying to .....whatever.  News to me.  And I basically said that.  How the heck am I supposed to know when you want to change when you don't say a word to me?  Granted - I had still been enabling him by not trying to talk to him about it.  I just figured like everyone says - addicts who are seeking recovery will communicate with you - communication is a huge factor.  Hadn't been happening.  So I wasn't buying it.

I basically shared how tired I was of the lies & I was not ready to stand by silently & let him perform these ordinances & the blessing without at least saying something.  I also talked about how never once has he apologized or shown remorse.  I made it clear I didn't believe him.  He had made it necessary for me to build a wall & he was gonna have to do a lot more than just talk - & continue to lie - before bricks could start coming down.  I even brought up all the bookmarked stuff on our computer.  He acted like it was no big deal, but he could delete it if I wanted him too - ummm - DUH - YEAH!    And yet 2 weeks later it is all still there.

Our bishop spent some time counseling us.  Gave each of us a copy of a talk to read - which I'll admit I haven't yet.  The biggest thing that stuck out to me was the fact my bishop said that in order for my hubs to recover - I needed to trust him - SAY WHAT - when he has not given me a single reason to - when he hasn't done anything that I know of to seek recovery - I need to trust him...are you crazy?  I was dying inside.  I felt like crap.  I felt like I was the one who had screwed up.  

Near the end - a glimmer of hope & sadness all at the same time - he told my hubby he would not be permitted to perform the baptism, confirmation, or blessing of our children.  I could tell my hubs was hurt.  I felt awful for him.  For a brief moment I had some compassion.  Closer to the end of the meeting - he cried.  I really did hurt for him.  I wished it was different, but his choices had brought us to this sad moment.

This was all 2 weeks ago last night.

We did have an amazing baptism & confirmation of our 8 year old son this past Saturday.  And our sweet surprise baby girl was blessed on Sunday.  And I am trying to count my blessings and realize that I can stand firm in what is best for our family & for me.