Picking Up the Pieces - Part 2

So when I started the part 1 post last night it wasn't gonna be a part 1 post.  But I rambled on about feelings and didn't really get into details of the situation, but I think it might make a tad more sense if I did.  Especially for some people who read this.

So my oldest that turned 8 in April is getting baptized on June 1st.  We put it off so we could have both sets of grandparent here & we are also blessing our baby (who will be 7 months by then) the next day.

I finally gathered up the courage to say something to about how I was not comfortable with my husband baptizing or blessing our baby and did so a month or so ago - I think it was like early/middle March.  He said he'd talk to him.  They have met a few times but as of last Sunday I could tell (we don't talk about anything that touches his addiction with a 10 ft. pole) that he was still planning performing the baptism & blessing.  So I met with my bishop (this past Tuesday) saying I STILL wasn't comfortable with this.  He asked if I had any reason for those feeling because apparently my husband was telling him he was staying away from the stuff and doing ok.  I was not there to "rat" him out, but the bishop asked if I had any reason to believe otherwise and so I told him that I knew for a fact my husband was still actively viewing porn & had done so within the past week.  He seemed taken back.  He asked me a few more questions about my husband which I really didn't have answers to and told him so.  He asked me a few questions about me and I was honest with him as I answered them.  He told me he'd have the executive secretary call my husband right now & schedule to meet with him on Sunday (yesterday). He seemed very concerned that my husband was obviously taking this all so lightly and he assured me that if this was still an issue then obviously my husband couldn't perform the baptism, confirmation, & blessing.  I had also made it clear how my husband & I didn't talk about anything addiction related so he assured me he would let me know how his meeting with my husband went.  I left feeling a little bit of peace, but I still had a nagging feeling about something though I couldn't put my finger on it.

My bishop met with my husband Sunday morning (yesterday) and I could tell by the way he was acting when he came home - I was pretty sure nothing had changed.  I made an appointment with the bishop after church for a little later in the day.  I basically asked him what he & my husband talked about.  He said something - which basically my husband said he was doing ok.  I know it was more specific than that, but I was so busy anticipating what was coming - because I could kinda feel it and yet didn't want to believe it and not at all shocked that my husband would lie AGAIN to our bishop.  What came was basically my bishop saying he didn't want to get in the middle of our marriage & we needed to work this out & what sounded like him saying something to the effect of this being a "he said, she said" situation and he would need proof of husband's actions before he would not permit him to perform the baptism, confirmation, & blessing.  He didn't SAY those exact words but the tone & something else he said basically felt like the same thing.

He said we could talk about it this coming Wednesday (which means missing my group) in his office - meaning he would kinda help mediate & maybe keep the conversation going if necessary - but help wants us to do the talking amongst ourselves.  I know this is something we certainly need to do, but why can't he just see that an addict is lying to him.  And personally I am not sure this will change anything except make hubby aware that I know he's lying - which he doesn't seem to care about - and make him just be sure to cover his tracks.  Just because he will be doing that - doesn't mean there isn't a problem - I will just have no proof in the future possibly.

So for right now...my husband still think that he can have his cake & eat it too - & make a mockery of an ordinance and apparently even deceive the Lord.  As of right now - we are going to meet with the bishop on Wednesday night & we will see what comes of that.
Oh and I also had forgotten last time to ask to be released from nursery – between dealing with addiction, a baby, & a few other things that are stressing me out – plus some issues with pain in my left hand, wrist, & arm.  I really need a break.  I need to be spiritually fed on Sundays.  He didn’t come out & say no to release me, but still did so in not so many words.  He told me I could call a sub any time including his wife – when I needed a break.  That’s not what I or those kids need.  That alone makes me want to quite going to church because I am not up to filling my calling, but I don’t wanna just ditch my calling.