I lost it this afternoon. Probably doesn't help that I have forgotten to take my meds in months (if my mom only knew - because apparently I am a disaster without them - I think I fake doing ok without them pretty well until the straw that breaks the camel's back hits). Anyhow, I recently picked up another book at Deseret Book - " Confronting Your Spouse's Pornography Problem". It made me realize that while I thought I was no longer acting co-dependent - I really am. Mostly by the fact that I no longer bring up the elephant in the room since it emotionally drains the daylights out of me and makes me nervous and fearful as heck as to how he may react. Before I have one of these conversations I am a wreck and I am usually a wreck for days after.
I had two meeting with my new bishop recently that didn't go as planned. I was suprised and saddened when my former bishop was released and struggled (& still struggling) with the newly called bishop. Honestly, that in itself is so hard for to to say. I know he's a good man. He just doesn't seem to get it.
It was all I could do to prevent myself from running bawling from the building as I left his office today. I kinda felt things would go this way, but it was still so hard to deal with. And leaves me wondering why I bother. I feel like the only place I have true understanding and support is here in the world of blogs & my support group for those with addicts in their lives.
Part of me wants to just throw in the towel on all of it. Just quit. Today - for once - I kinda could see why people choose to go inactive. Isn't that awful? I hated just realizing that. I know that is just Satan trying to make me give up. I know that isn't the answer, and yet it sounds so tempting right now.
And I didn't even start this post to say all this - I really wanted to explain what happened. And then I made the stupid mistake of turning for support to a person who really does love me and have my best interest at heart - but - while some of their input was spot on - some of it just proved they didn't get that this is not how you deal with an addict. It was kinda her co-dependent side coming out too.
And it's days like this that I wish my parachute was fully packed so I could just jump and not be afraid to do so.
:( So sorry you had a hard day.
ReplyDeleteIt's ok to hand-pick your support network, imo. If the bishop won't fit into that circle right now given what you need, that's ok. And I think it's not uncommon at all to feel like quitting church when dealing with this. It's not awful to feel this way. It's normal. It's a bit of a double-loss to be struggling with your marriage and then feel a sort of betrayal at church when people don't or can't understand or you can't talk about it.
Again, that is why your hand-picked support group is so important. They become what help hold you up when the usual routes of comfort and support you need aren't there (even if well-meaning people want to be). It's ok to mourn what isn't there right now, though. Church can be about you and God right now and you can let those who know and understand be there until you feel some more healing. Trust your gut to guide you to the people you know you can rely on during this time and then lean on them, daily if need be. (Having several people in your healing circle can help make that possible, fwiw.)
You are not weak or sinful for wanting to feel safe and loved, and wanting to be able to feel that regularly.
Sending hugs your way.
Now I am trying not to bawl my eyes out more. Thank you isn't enough - for getting it. Especially admit all that rambling. Hopefully I will have a chance to type Part 2 today.
ReplyDeleteThe hardest part is I kinda need my bishop to be at least part of that support network - at least long enough so he can do something to help that no one else can do.
Thank you again though for understanding - such a wonderful thing having people who get it !
"Part of me wants to just throw in the towel on all of it. Just quit. Today - for once - I kinda could see why people choose to go inactive."
ReplyDeleteThis is exactly how I was feeling last week. I was done with church, done with my husband, done with my kids, I was DONE!!
I am sorry that you are getting the support you need from your bishop or the friend you turned to. Living a life affected by this addiction can feel SO terribly lonely at times. If you ever want to chat, I am here. Other than these forums I am kind of alone in the support.
*hugs*